Meat

Meat.
A How To.

Meat is one of the most difficult things to classify on the planet. Many people belive Meat should be divided into subcatogories, such as White, or Red, and some even go so far as to say Meat as we think we know it ceased to exist when Margeret Thatcher came to power. (Coincedentally, that is also when Labour gave up, and everyone should have started voting Liberal Democrat, although no-one like to be different, so they just couldn't stop themselves)
Meat is one of the tastiest treats on offer. Available at most major supermarkets, and some of the ones who aren't invited to the major one's parties, Meat is easily obtained in a variety of shapes, sizes, flavours, and, oddly, smells.
Most Meat is cultivated by people called Farmers. These people live far away from your house, and are usually violently deranged, both mentally and physically. Farmers grow Meat in a variety of different ways. Firstly, Battery.

Battery.
This involves ataching a large line of Meat-Puppets, as they are affectionately known by Townies, to a 400 volt battery. The Meat-Puppets are duly zapped, and sent to Mcdonalds as "Patties". These patties are infused with other things, such as spittle, therefore we cannot truly classify this as Meat, although it can be used to feed all kinds of other animals, such as Cats, now known as House Tigers, and Dogs (House Wolves). Both of these vicious hellspawn will rip your face off at a moments notice, as poor Mr. Richards found out in November 1468, when a group of House Tigers approached him in a dark alley, cornered him, and begane mewing for milk and the like. As mentioned in my last post, i am not here to discuss milk, and so this is the part when Mr. Richard's story ends. Shortly after his face is ripped off. Best to avoid the buggers, then.

Free Range.
Thios method is a slightly more humane method for ening the lives of Meat-Puppets. A large collection of Meat-Puppets are placed in an Aga cooker, known as a range, and left to stew in their own juices for a while. This method is favoured by Animal Rights Activists, as it gives the Meat-Puppets time to read a good book, or become embroiled in political debate, before becoming embroiled by a 500 degree heat.

Factory Farming.
Commonly mistaken with Mr. Factory Farming, a popular theologist in the 1600's, Factory Farming is perhaps the least humane, though most efficient and fun to watch. It essetially entails the hapless Meat-Puppets being sent through 48 years of mind-numbing back-breaking labour in a Wool factory. The effenciecy lies in the speed Meat-Puppets can use their little hooves to handle wool. Their speed on the Spinning Jenny is unparalleled in Human Knowledge.

Meat, like Tea, has remained unchanged in the past 500 years, with only methods and the growing availability of Gravy changing. Unfortunately, my knowledge of Gravy is not the best, and so I must not indulge you with what little I know.