An Interesting Journal On Why The Larger Gentleman and Lady

An Interesting Journal On Why The Larger Gentleman and Lady Are Why They Are.

Fat people are known by a variety of different names, such as "Scourge of the Earth", "Waste of Precious Nuclear Power Plant Building Land", "Fatty Boom-Boom", and, my personal favourite, "Dave".

Fatness, itself, is not down to the individual. In fact, you can contract Fatness from one of any number of sources. Genetic Fatness is one of the hardest to deal with, as no matter what you do, you can never, ever, STOP EATING. This may be passed on via your Mother or Father, if, for example, one is "Portly", or the other "Of Ample Girth" (I once had a friend named Ample Girth, although he died. Not of Fatness, but he tried to windsurf on the coast of Shark Island. The tit.).

Other types of Fatness include the Fatness induced by simply doing nothing at all! You could be sitting still, eating your second portion of Haddock and Pie, and BANG! Your cholesterol level shoots through the rooof, your heart decides it's sick off al the crap you're doing and leaves you for dead in alley outside Asda, your liver packs his bags and leaves for a holiday inside an alcholic wife-beating drug-addict (for a change, you know?), and your fingers widen to the point when you decide frying them and covering them in a bun wouldn't be too bad an idea. This is the type of Fatness many people at home and abroad suffer with. Unfortunately, this particular "brand", if you will, of Fatness is incurable. You can, on the other hand, be born with a natural immunity to Fatness, via your metabolism (which, like milk, I have no plans to discuss).
The other "brand" of Fatness is "Commercial Fatness" or "Diet Fatness". This is the type of Fatness most people will narrowly avoid during the course of their lives. It involves, mainly, being subjected to Advertisements until your eyes are (metaphorically) bleeding like a thousand suns, and you think that you are bored. Boredom does a most terrible thing to a normal person's body. It can make you do things that you nevr once would have thought before you would have done. One of these things is Eat. You just Eat. And Eat. And Eat. Ad Infinitum. One of the only things that can stop this "King Kong"-esque rampage through the Fridge is a nice cup of Tea. N.B. If you see someone on a Rampage of prehistoric proportions, put the kettle on, prepare a cup and teabag, with milk, and swiftly administer this herbal remedy to the Infected One.

One of the most recent types of Fatness discovered is "McFatness". This type of Fatness dictates that each time you go to an eatery named McDonalds, you balloon to suc proportions that the universe realises how outwardly ridiculous you look and just destroys you without any shade of honour or contempt. My personal view on "McFatness" is, and I think will remain, that it is an outright fallacy. In my view, "McFatness" is just an extension of "Bear-Fat-Syndrome". This theory tells of a tenous link between the declining number of people who make Bear's do Jigs for the amusement of Friends, family members and tourists alike, and the heavily increasing number of Portly People.

Fatness has also been linked to the increasing sales of Milk, Milk by-products and dairy foods, though I am not here to tittilate such fanciful notions.