Alchohol

Alchohol.
A True(ish) Story.

Alchohol was pupurtedly invented by Edgar Q. Finneas, but this is regarded by intellectuals to be false, due to the outright stupidity of the name. In fact, many people regard the legend of Edgar Q. Finneas to have been invented by a drunken Dutchman. The real inventor of Alchohol, and, to a lesser extent, drunken-ness, was Phillipe De Regare, a Belgian, in 1287.

Phillipe was born in 1259 to a wealthy Belgian farming family, and raised by a Swedish nanny (She didn't leave until he was 23, but that is a matter for the courts). His parents were well known for their sexual exploits. Some say that the family was famed at the time for a Midget 16-way, although such people are morons, and such theories should be expelled from your mind immediately. When Phillipe was 16, he decided he was bored with the endless drinking of Cola, and the endless breathing iin of Opium (the fashion of the time), and so he wanted to create something that would combine the two, in a drinkable and bowl-friendly way.What hapened then was a series of drinks that would make milk curdle, and give a cat the kind of face it gets when you have farted on it's supper. After 5 years of trying to invent somthing remotely drinkable, he stumbled upon a newspaper article regarding the story of a man who farted on a House-Tiger's supper, and subsequently had his face ripped off with an undying fury. The part Phillipe was interested in later in the article was the line...

"The man is in steady treatment in hospital, and he is being given a Potatoes by the House-Tiger as a reconciliation gift"

"Of course," thought Phillipe "If I could harness the natural inebriating properties of Potatoes, I could make something remotely drinkable!"
And so he went forth and created the steps necessary to create alchohol in it's purest from - Potato.

Many variations on the Alchohol formula, although so far no-one has tried to add milk to it.
As metioned, I am not here to discuss milk.

Meat

Meat.
A How To.

Meat is one of the most difficult things to classify on the planet. Many people belive Meat should be divided into subcatogories, such as White, or Red, and some even go so far as to say Meat as we think we know it ceased to exist when Margeret Thatcher came to power. (Coincedentally, that is also when Labour gave up, and everyone should have started voting Liberal Democrat, although no-one like to be different, so they just couldn't stop themselves)
Meat is one of the tastiest treats on offer. Available at most major supermarkets, and some of the ones who aren't invited to the major one's parties, Meat is easily obtained in a variety of shapes, sizes, flavours, and, oddly, smells.
Most Meat is cultivated by people called Farmers. These people live far away from your house, and are usually violently deranged, both mentally and physically. Farmers grow Meat in a variety of different ways. Firstly, Battery.

Battery.
This involves ataching a large line of Meat-Puppets, as they are affectionately known by Townies, to a 400 volt battery. The Meat-Puppets are duly zapped, and sent to Mcdonalds as "Patties". These patties are infused with other things, such as spittle, therefore we cannot truly classify this as Meat, although it can be used to feed all kinds of other animals, such as Cats, now known as House Tigers, and Dogs (House Wolves). Both of these vicious hellspawn will rip your face off at a moments notice, as poor Mr. Richards found out in November 1468, when a group of House Tigers approached him in a dark alley, cornered him, and begane mewing for milk and the like. As mentioned in my last post, i am not here to discuss milk, and so this is the part when Mr. Richard's story ends. Shortly after his face is ripped off. Best to avoid the buggers, then.

Free Range.
Thios method is a slightly more humane method for ening the lives of Meat-Puppets. A large collection of Meat-Puppets are placed in an Aga cooker, known as a range, and left to stew in their own juices for a while. This method is favoured by Animal Rights Activists, as it gives the Meat-Puppets time to read a good book, or become embroiled in political debate, before becoming embroiled by a 500 degree heat.

Factory Farming.
Commonly mistaken with Mr. Factory Farming, a popular theologist in the 1600's, Factory Farming is perhaps the least humane, though most efficient and fun to watch. It essetially entails the hapless Meat-Puppets being sent through 48 years of mind-numbing back-breaking labour in a Wool factory. The effenciecy lies in the speed Meat-Puppets can use their little hooves to handle wool. Their speed on the Spinning Jenny is unparalleled in Human Knowledge.

Meat, like Tea, has remained unchanged in the past 500 years, with only methods and the growing availability of Gravy changing. Unfortunately, my knowledge of Gravy is not the best, and so I must not indulge you with what little I know.

Tea

Tea.
A History.

Satisfying in the extreme, although one had to be careful whilst sipping the first and last dregs of the cup, or mug, depending on personal preference. The first sip, one must understand, may be extremely hot. The people at Mcdonalds don't put those warnings on the mugs for nothing. The last, on the other hand, may well have been inconceivably cold. In fact, the human mind could not possibly comprehend the icey cold that a simple mug (or cup, as mentioned before) can become. The closest we can come to it is "The Day After Tommorow", wherein helicopters freeze up inside canyons. A silly comparison, due to the sillyness of the film, but it is the closest we can ever be.

Used for centuries for it's medicinal attributes (not actually true) Tea was only first used as a drink by a complete and perfect accident. A begger in china accidently drank some of the stuff, and said, and I quote, "Ugh". He later patented the word, and made millions on the stocks and shares, until he was brought into prison for tax evasion, aged 97. He died soon afterwords, altough Tea did not. More and more people drank Tea, and it became the talk of the century! The Emporer of China decided to export the leaves to other countries, though he never had the time, so left it alone for a while.

Soon after, the British conquered much of the World, and brought Tea with it. The comanders of the british naval fleet wanted to keep Tea to himself and his men, but a short mutiny, wherein 17 were killed, 6 sodomised and 3,907 were sent to bed with no supper, soon sorted that up.

Tea was finally brought back to dear old Blighty, and with it, milk. The two were combined for the first time, and sugar was added (although this, also, is down to personal preferance) to taste. The King could do nought but sigh, as one more thing was better that the British Monarchy.

After that, nothing much happened with Tea. The formula has remained mainly unchanged, despite several alterations in types of milk, though i am not here to discuss milk.