The Earliest Beginnings of a Horror Story

This is heavily influenced by the works of H.P. Lovecraft.
Excuse the blatent plagerism, I am just trying to perfect the writing technique, rather the the actual story.

A Most Disheartening Tale.

I was once a friend of a Mr. J.K. Likelabour, a scientist. He and I both went to Wilsmansion College in Wolketaw, although we were never that close. He was always an acedemic, whereas I was an artist, albeit one with little talent. It was only in our final year in the College that his works enticed me.

He had been working on a device to allow a man to be without form, i.e. He could travel through a wall, leaving his body behind. He had written extensive thesis' on the subject, and studied with the guidance of many on the existance of out-of-body experiences. It appeared to Likelabour that a Man might have in his posseision 2 states of being, Concious and Unconcious. These states fluctuated during life, until death, at which point Man becomes unconcious until he rots, or until the end of time. If somebody could control these states of matter, then one could willfully live forever. One would not need any sustanance in this form, whyever would you?

I, of course, was captivated by these fanciful notions, and tagged along for the duration of the last year's hideous experiments. Nothing was sacred in that laboratory, and not once did Likelabour flich. It was as if a divine force was compelling him to finish without honour or contempt.

Having spent 5 years on his research, he knew that he was close to a breakthrough. How close, though, he did not know...

A Story Wherein A Man And A Woman Decide Enough Is Enough

The Final Chapter

A note to my readers…
Yes, both of you…

I have recently discovered that Disney own the rights to every story ever told by any man ever. Thereby an apology and a swift ending is in order.

Sorry.


They were all eaten by tigers. The End.

A Story Wherein A Man And A Woman Decide Enough Is Enough.

Chapter 3

Weeks past. Months past weeks. A year was cautiously approaching, although it backed off when the month began to spit. At last, the day came wherein Jack and Mildred would be taken to the finest courts in the land (originally it was the Food Court in Shropshire, although this was seen as unfeasible as the judge had once stolen a fork from there, and he was worried that they might want it back).

Mildred was worried. Very worried. People from miles around could smell her sweat, but that was a normal occurance, as the local villagers knew very well.
Jack, on the other hand, was less worried. Forwhy, you begin to wonder? He had a plan. A plan so marvelous he almost sneezed from the very thought of it. He had no thought to tell Mildred, as he was a man of Pride (Lions raised him for 6 months of his life, the cunning rubbed off on him). But before the plan could come into action, he needed some supplies.

"I'm just off to the shops, dear"
"GRADNHA!"
She had, so far, failed to grasp the English language.
"But I bought some bread yesterday, dear..."
"GRADNHA! HADNEAGRADNHA!"
"Yes, dear..."

He trudged off in the direction of the shops, made a sudden turn to see if anyone was following him, made anpther sharp turn, and walked off.
He was headed for John Q. Rockedalle's Gun Shop.


The Incident At The Gun Shop, A Few Hours Eariler...

John was closing up shop. A day's work had ben done, and mutiple weapons had been sold to the general public. The warm feeling that was always there after a hard day's graft had returned. All was well. Although, there was one thing that made John quiver in his boots.
The man with the gun to his temple. He hadn't noticed it before this time, although there had always been a subconcious thought. Unfortunately, thought alone cannot beat gunmen.    

A Story Wherein A Man And A Woman Decide Enough Is Enough

Chapter 2

Over the years, people became accustomed to seeing a small woman with an extremely tall man walking down the street. Even Jack and Mildred got over their irrational prejudices and began to love their new neighbours. They had become extremely close over the years (that is, Jack and Mildred, not Biggie and Shorty. They were on the virge of divorce), and, at 17, began to think of Marriage. This was because it was the first time they had ever heard of the thing. School was an unnecessary luxury for the Underblooms, as was soap and pepper. This alone meant the the meals they cooked were tasteless, and they smelt like someone who just ate A LOT of fish, exploded, rotted for a while, was buried, rotted, was dug up, then smothered with the fiercest smelling animal faeces. But faeces have very little to do with this story, if anything at alll, and so they are left decomposing.
In fact, the only other friends that Mildred and Jack had, aside from each other, were Penguin-Pen-Pals. Penguin-Pen-Pals were, in a nutshell, people pretending to be penguins, so as to let small children correspond with something of another species. They were highly unpopular, as most people used Dogs for this. Granted, Dogs could barely use an ink covered paw to make their mark on a peice of paper, but it did the job. Jack's parents could not afford a Dog, as they were too poor. eBay had done it's dirty work, and run off with their money in exchange for second hand goods.
As mentioned, Jack and Mildred were contemplating marriage. Now, as they make this decision, one must bear in mind that Mildred had been living as an illegal alien in Shrovesburydale for 10 years, and her Conservative neighbours were becoming concerned that once she left home, she would get a council house and a nice television.

After thoughts, doubts, and misgivings, Jack and Mildred married. For the party afterwards, they all went to Iceland (the supermarket) and each guest was bought a 27p Arctic Roll. There was a small honeymoon, although it was only in Jack's parent's bedroom, so there was little to do. Bar water-skiing.

Time went on. In fact, 56 years went on, with little happening whatsoever. Most unfortunate for a writer of my calibre, you must agree. Although, after the 56 years, something incredible happened. A man from the home office came. He brought with him a mallet, a policeman, and a court order, telling the Underblooms they must appear in court at the 2nd ring of the church bell (Shrovesburydale has advanced little in the past 400 years). Of course, the Underblooms were in intrigue. What had caused them to be needed in court?

"Murder. First Degree Murder."

The words rang out across the neighbourhood like a swing of the executioner's axe. Incidentally, an axe muredering was going on next door, so it very probably was that that was ringing out.

A Story Wherein A Man And A Woman Decide Enough Is Enough.

Mr. And Mrs. J Underbloom were, at one time, famed for becoming the most notorious cereal killers (I do NOT mean "Serial") in the village of Shrovesburydale, but this story has very litle, if anything, to do with that story.
Instead, this story concerns the night of the 5th of December, 1947, and the events that occured...

*Disclaimer - Actors have been used for legal purposes*

Chapter 1

It was an ordinary night. Cars were going along their merry business, people wandered by the house of the Underbloom's with little regard or concern. Mrs. Underbloom was busy preparing for the return of her husband, Jack, by creating the most elegant celebration she had ever dreamed of. Unfortunatly, she had neither the experience to do this, nor the IQ, for she was the least clever woman in Britain. Unbeknownst to many, Mrs. Underbloom (whom we shall now know as Mildred) was born in Utoko, a large-ish island in the south pacific. Her mother was a brain surgeon on the island, and her father a lawyer. Though this sounds inpressive, her mother's surgery surmounted to drilling holes in the back of patients heads, and her father's legal practice dealt only in matters of violence, and usually it was he that caused it. One day, a tribe from a neighbouring village decided to lay waste to the huts of the Utopas (Her Tribe), due to an argument over which loaf of Lever-Bread was the more delicious. The Tribesmen pillaged, burned, raped and sent to bed with no supper the entire village, bar 3. The Mother and Father of Mrs. Underbloom, and Mildred herself. Her parents took pity on Mildred, as well as taking her hair to use as firewood, and so cast her into the Sea Of Unimaginable Evil. Some say a bad move, others not...

She was found, several days later, on the coast of Dorset. This was quite amazing, as it was also on that coast that 3,907 men were left drowning by a baker. Their bodies were never found, although, as mentioned, Mildred's was. It was by a 5 year-old boy by the name of Jack Underbloom. His mother and father were really very unimportant, and so the discussion of them shall cease here. Jack and Mildred would later go to the house of Jack's parents, and ask if Mildred could stay awhile. Not realising "awhile" would be 43 years, they wholeheartedly agreed.

An Interesting Journal On Why The Larger Gentleman and Lady

An Interesting Journal On Why The Larger Gentleman and Lady Are Why They Are.

Fat people are known by a variety of different names, such as "Scourge of the Earth", "Waste of Precious Nuclear Power Plant Building Land", "Fatty Boom-Boom", and, my personal favourite, "Dave".

Fatness, itself, is not down to the individual. In fact, you can contract Fatness from one of any number of sources. Genetic Fatness is one of the hardest to deal with, as no matter what you do, you can never, ever, STOP EATING. This may be passed on via your Mother or Father, if, for example, one is "Portly", or the other "Of Ample Girth" (I once had a friend named Ample Girth, although he died. Not of Fatness, but he tried to windsurf on the coast of Shark Island. The tit.).

Other types of Fatness include the Fatness induced by simply doing nothing at all! You could be sitting still, eating your second portion of Haddock and Pie, and BANG! Your cholesterol level shoots through the rooof, your heart decides it's sick off al the crap you're doing and leaves you for dead in alley outside Asda, your liver packs his bags and leaves for a holiday inside an alcholic wife-beating drug-addict (for a change, you know?), and your fingers widen to the point when you decide frying them and covering them in a bun wouldn't be too bad an idea. This is the type of Fatness many people at home and abroad suffer with. Unfortunately, this particular "brand", if you will, of Fatness is incurable. You can, on the other hand, be born with a natural immunity to Fatness, via your metabolism (which, like milk, I have no plans to discuss).
The other "brand" of Fatness is "Commercial Fatness" or "Diet Fatness". This is the type of Fatness most people will narrowly avoid during the course of their lives. It involves, mainly, being subjected to Advertisements until your eyes are (metaphorically) bleeding like a thousand suns, and you think that you are bored. Boredom does a most terrible thing to a normal person's body. It can make you do things that you nevr once would have thought before you would have done. One of these things is Eat. You just Eat. And Eat. And Eat. Ad Infinitum. One of the only things that can stop this "King Kong"-esque rampage through the Fridge is a nice cup of Tea. N.B. If you see someone on a Rampage of prehistoric proportions, put the kettle on, prepare a cup and teabag, with milk, and swiftly administer this herbal remedy to the Infected One.

One of the most recent types of Fatness discovered is "McFatness". This type of Fatness dictates that each time you go to an eatery named McDonalds, you balloon to suc proportions that the universe realises how outwardly ridiculous you look and just destroys you without any shade of honour or contempt. My personal view on "McFatness" is, and I think will remain, that it is an outright fallacy. In my view, "McFatness" is just an extension of "Bear-Fat-Syndrome". This theory tells of a tenous link between the declining number of people who make Bear's do Jigs for the amusement of Friends, family members and tourists alike, and the heavily increasing number of Portly People.

Fatness has also been linked to the increasing sales of Milk, Milk by-products and dairy foods, though I am not here to tittilate such fanciful notions.